


If I Go I'm Goin'

by ToLiveForWells



Category: The Flash (TV 2014), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, I Made Myself Cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 17:57:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16837558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToLiveForWells/pseuds/ToLiveForWells
Summary: H.R. Wells from Earth-19 was your everything and then some. You never thought you would lose him. Yet before you knew what happened, he was taken from you.





	1. Chapter 1

Through his time at STAR Labs, H.R. Wells very quickly became everything to you. Not only was he quirky and quick witted with an excellent sense of humor, but he was caring and kind and still knew how to cheer you up when you were at your worst. Nights when you were up late and exhausted, he would often bring you coffee from whatever place was open, or would brew a cup for you himself. You always appreciated the hot cups of coffee, especially when they were accompanied by a sweet hug or a kiss on the cheek. Though his time in Team Flash was short, to say the least, you had grown fond of him rapidly.

“Come on H.R., I promise it’s no problem,” you paced the floor of the Cortex one morning, “I would be honored to have you live with me. I mean, it’s gotta be lonely here in the lab by yourself, right?”

HR stood leaning against the desk, “I would love to, I would absolutely love to, I just really don’t want to intrude and get in your hair. Every other woman I’ve moved in with kicked me out within the first week and-” HR got cut off by you suddenly.

“HR, why would I want to kick you out? I see you every day, I spend most the nights with you working late anyway.” You walked over, putting your arms around him, “Please?”

A smile spread across HR’s face as he accepted your hug, wrapping his long arms around you, “alright, you convinced me. Working from home should become a thing now.”

HR moved in shortly after, not that there was much to move in. For a man who traveled across earths, he only packed his clothing essentials and his favorite mug for coffee. He settled in quickly and you were overjoyed with a roommate. Admittedly, it had gotten lonely in your apartment and HR was the perfect person to step in and full a room with a warm and welcoming vibe. You had the wonderful opportunity to wake up each morning to the smell of coffee brewing from the kitchenette, HR usually standing in his boxers and a t-shirt, making breakfast.

“Good morning gorgeous,” he would say as you crossed the floor to his side, “a cup of the finest coffee for you.” 

Each morning he graced you with a new and different blend of coffees, though you eventually developed a taste for one blend in particular, containing a coffee bean that could only be found on Earth 19. The flavors were rich and fruity with a touch of natural sweetness that could be enhanced perfectly with a bit of cream or milk.

You sat across from him at your small circular table a few months after he decided to move in. You smiled as you watched him talk wildly with his hands about what he could do to decorate the place for Christmas, Halloween, and even Thanksgiving. When a cup of coffee was not in his grasp, the drum sticks he carried spun or tapped constantly in the rhythms of his conversations. You had truly and so quickly loved everything about HR and his odd quirks, and waking up to him had made your life so much happier.

“I don’t know, I just feel like no one at the lab really likes me, you know?” He changed subjects suddenly, making you lift your head.

“Why would you say that, H.R?” You questioned, sipping at your coffee.

“Well I’m not a tech genius and I don’t have any degrees. I’m just a writer, you know? I don’t think I’m doing anything for this team and I think they might feel the same way… I mean, Wally thought I was a con and Francisco, well I think he just hates me. Sure, Barry Allen agreed to keep me on hand, but I feel like it’s not enough, you know?” His voice quieted as he looked down into his mug.

His words tugged at your heart as your hand reached across the table and took his, “H.R., you may not be a genius like Harry or an evil scientist like Eobard but you bring something so new to this team. You bring some lightness into the darkness. No one makes me laugh like you, you’ve been an asset to the team in more ways than one. You’re far from useless.”

He smiled at your words, kissing your hand, “ah, I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He jumped suddenly in his seat as he realized something, “I forgot!” He stood and walked across the apartment to his bag, digging around before revealing a cloth bag he handed to you.

“What’s this about now, HR?” You asked, taking the bag into your hand.

“Well, I remember you saying how much you liked my special coffee brew that I made just for you,” he tweaked your nose, “so I brought some here for you.”

HR beamed as you held the coffee in your hands with a smile on your own face, “HR, this is more than I could ever ask for.” You stood and threw your arms around him, nestling your face into his neck.

The gift that you cherished more than anything was given to you on May 22nd. The next day, no amount of coffee could console you. Everything had been set to finally defeat Savitar and save Iris. You were standing nearby as backup, a blaster set upon your shoulder. You had watched in horror as everything so quickly went south. Iris had been killed and Barry held her in his arms. They were unable to change the future.

But they did change the future. From a distance you saw the shape of Iris change and it all came to light. HR had sacrificed himself for the team. He wanted to feel useful, and he succeeded. You had run across the field to him, resting his head on your lap. Tears fell violently from your eyes as you held him, his blood now soaking into your jeans.

“Why?” you whispered, stroking his hair, “why did you have to do this?”

A weak grin lit upon his face briefly, “I had to do what I had to do. I’m glad to die a hero.”

“You were always a hero, HR” you choked through your tears, “you were my hero from the start.”

“Brew a cup in my honor.” His voice was weak, “I love you, y/n. You made me a better man.”

He passed as you held him. Your legs were numb from kneeling and your jeans were soaked through with blood, but still you sat there, your hand intertwined in his hair, the other holding his still warm hand. Your tears continued to fall until you had gone deaf and blind to everything around you. Harry eventually would up having to pull you away from HR’s body. You had been so numb by then you barely were able to recognize what was going on.

You had been brought back to your apartment after the chaos and after Barry had left into the Speed Force. After the seemingly endless stream of trauma, you sat blankly on your bed. Harry had offered to stay with you for the night but you declined, wishing to be alone for a while. And you were.

You sat on your bed, staring out at the window facing the street. The room felt like it had died along with HR; it was dark and silent, lacking the bright smiles that HR always brought with him. You sighed as you rose slowly, your head pounding from the crying. You made your way into the kitchen and did as you were told: you brewed a cup of coffee. The warm cup felt soothing and familiar in HR’s mug. You clutched it with shaking hands as you took a small sip, looking at the empty chair across from you. Tears begin to fall again as you pictured HR sitting across from you once more, his dapper smile and over the top personality nothing but a fading memory at that point.

As your eyes refocused, you noticed a metallic cube on the table. You cocked your head curiously as you picked up the cold object, pressing the button on the front. A hologram appeared in front of you, a hologram of HR. You covered your mouth with a quiet gasp as the image of HR smiled at you.

“Hey, y/n, so I guess you’re watching this now and I’m, ya know, dead. What a plot twist, right?” he laughed and then his face fell, “I’m sorry I have to leave you like this. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and I guess I did, didn’t I? I wish I could have told you but I didn’t want to risk anything happening. I had to do it, y/n, and I contributed something to the team at last. The hardest part about this decision though, was knowing that I would leave you behind. Now that I’m gone, you can keep my stuff, I don’t need it now and no on back on Earth 19 is going to care all that much. Just remember me, okay? Remember that I loved you, and give my love to BA, my San Francisco, Caitlin, and that other guy that looked like he was from Harry Potter or something. And remember that you stood out and you always will. I love you, y/n. Keep my coffee brews alive, will you?” He winked and the image disappeared.

You sat in quiet awe, feeling the cold sadness settle into your gut. The tears in your eyes fell silently as you stared at the cube. You meandered back to your bed with the cube, taking up one of HR’s old jackets and wrapping yourself up in it. You breathed in the smell of HR that lingered on the jacket as the tears streamed on. You held the cube to your chest, “please come home,” you whispered to the cube, “I miss you.” You activated the cube once again, finally falling asleep to the sound of HR’s goodbye.


	2. Bitter Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You lost HR a while ago but the pain felt as if it happened just yesterday. The new arrival of the snarky, snappy Sherloque Wells quickly became an unhappy reminder of your lost love when you find yourself watching Sherloque meticulously making the perfect cup of tea.

HR died in your arms. You watched as your best friend and the only person you ever loved to the extent you did die before your eyes. Days passed, weeks, months, a little over a year and a half had passed since that day. In the beginning you struggled greatly to even get out of bed each morning to face a day without HR. Seeing Harry each day was incredible difficult as well, as whenever you heard him speak your heart jumped, thinking, hoping it was HR.

You did, eventually, start to cope, and made your best efforts to resume life as it was before. Stopping the Thinker helped take your mind off things for a good year, and you, admittedly, started to move on. You still thought of him every day, but you told yourself that HR would have wanted you to be happy and to keep living your life because life was not something to waste for no reason. As Cisco had said, everyone depended on Harrison Wells, but HR was the first who had to rely on the team, but you had specifically chosen to rely on HR and now he was gone and you knew you had to keep going for him. Your life was not a life to waste. HR did not die for nothing; he died for you, for Barry and Iris, for the whole team. You didn’t want to waste your life, nor the life HR had given to you.

It wasn’t to say that everything was back to normal for you. Each month on the date of your anniversary you would return to HR’s grave and leave him a cup of coffee beside the headstone. Everyone on the team allowed you this one day off a month, knowing how much you were hurting still. You would bring HR a different coffee each time, bringing your own favorite brew along with you. Alone in the graveyard you sat, leaning against the headstone and telling HR everything that was going on since he left. You would finish your coffee, tell HR you loved him, and went back home.

The pattern helped you cope and your mind was always clearer after you visited him and tended to give you a boost enough to get through each month. You only ever missed your date once when DeVoe got in the way of your plans. That month had been one of the hardest, as you felt incredibly guilty for missing your anniversary with HR.

Things cleared up a bit once DeVoe had been defeated, although you were heartbroken to see Harry leave, losing another dear friend with the face of a Wells left a sting in your heart. Goodbyes are always the hardest, but sometimes new “hellos” are not all that fantastic either.

The new Wells, the well dressed Harrison Sherloque Wells with the light French accent arrived in a flurry, leading the team on a cold trail. Something felt off about him to you, but you couldn’t quite place what. Maybe it was the hat he so often enjoyed wearing that reminded you quite a bit of HR’s, or maybe it was the way that he had somehow beat Cicada so many times before, yet this time things so happened to meld together to create an unsolvable situation.

You tried to shrug off the sensations and accept the new Wells, as difficult as it was. Like most Wells, he was snarky, sarcastic, and a sharp tongue to match his sharp appearance. Unlike other Wells, however, Sherloque preferred tea to coffee and voiced his dislike for the beverage quite liberally. You, having a special connection to the bitter brown bean, found this to be another reason for you to dislike Sherloque.

One morning you arrived to the lab with your usual cup of coffee in your hand. The following day, October 25th, would be the second anniversary of HR’s arrival and what both you and he had decided would be the date of your anniversary. You both believed you were soulmates which meant the moment you met, it was meant to be. You were preparing mentally and deciding what to wear and what kind of coffee to get HR as you meandered into the newly discovered lounge.

Sherloque stood behind the counter, a crease in his forehead showed his intense concentration, a face you would often see on HR when he was working on the perfect cup of coffee. You felt a pang in your heart as you looked upon the new Wells, bent over the counter crafting the perfect cup of tea. He looked up at you suddenly, causing your eyes to dart down into the cup of coffee in your hands.

“Why are you staring? It is rude, you know.” He sipped at his tea, tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth.

“Sorry, I just, I uh, you..” You stuttered through your words, too flustered and confused to figure out what to say, “I’m sorry,” you apologized again.

“Hm,” came a quiet mutter, “just like the others I can tell, I remind you much of another Wells of your past.”

“Don’t act like you know my story,” you snapped, “I get it, you’re the deductive, know-it-all smart guy now who thinks he’s better than everyone else in this place but I don’t need that today”

Sherloque shrugged and continued on making his tea. You continued to watch him for a moment before resigning yourself to whatever fate held for you by sitting down at the bar, sipping at your coffee.

“Which one?” Sherloque questioned suddenly without looking up from his blend of tea leaves and flowers.

“Huh?”

“Which Wells? Which earth? Which idiot did you fall for?”

“First of all, he wasn’t an idiot.”

“So he was an idiot.” Sherloque interrupted bluntly.

“If you’re going to interrupt then why did you bother asking?”

“You want to talk about it. I can tell or else you would not have sat down, yes? Chagrin, mon cher, it is evident. You feel pain and sorrow and you have kept it from everyone so you do not feel like a burden.” Sherloque muttered most of this, his head still hung to his chest as he worked meticulously on his tea.

Watching Sherloque’s hands work so delicately to make the perfect cup of tea caused a lump to form in your throat as you were reminded of the dedication HR had put into his coffee. Your hand tightened around your cup of coffee as Sherloque waited on your response.

You sighed, “okay, you may be right, but why would I want to talk to you about it? I don’t know you.”

“Quite simply, mon cher, I look like him. Something else also reminds you of him.” he finally looked up at you, looking you directly in the eyes causing your heart to thud, “it’s the tea. Or, in your case, coffee, oui?”

You, now nervous under the watchful eye of Sherloque, stared back down into the cup of coffee, “how could you tell?” This time it was your turn to talk down into a cup.

“You clutch your coffee like it is your most prized possession, as if it is votre enfant. I have been here for two days and both of the days, both yesterday and today, you smell of coffee as if it is all you drink. The shirt you so often wear is far too large for you and there are small brown stains indicative of coffee splashes, far too dark for tea, and most importantly, you drink your coffee from the same mug every time, no matter what. It is not all that difficult to deduce that you and the other Wells had a connective link through that bitter drink.”

As he talked, a silent tear traveled down your cheek. The occasional French tossed into the sentences, the voice, the tone, it all reminded you so much of HR and it tore into you so deeply on the day before your anniversary.

“Sure, he wasn’t the smartest person,” you said quietly, “but he had a heart like no one else. He was so creative and even facing death he was brave. He was always so wrapped up in worrying that he was just a coward but in the end he was no coward. He saw death coming and he stayed there and died for us.”

“Hm,” Sherloque grunted quietly, watching you, taking in your words as you went on for quite some time.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. That’s the quote on HR’s gravestone, you know? Every month I go back there and I read it over and over again to comfort myself. HR was so full of life and he shared that zeal for existence with everyone, yet he was so scared to die. I have never seen a man conquer his fears quite like HR did.” The tears, at this point, fell freely, your voice catching at the end of your words.

A tissue was passed and tucked in your hand, Sherloque’s hand brushing yours gently. A shiver ran through your spine as you recalled all of the love you had for HR. You wiped the tears off of your face and looked up at Sherloque at last, “I’m sorry for oversharing. I guess you were right and I really just needed to talk” you sighed.

“I am always right.” Sherloque replied flatly, taking a drink from his cup after nearly an hour of meticulous measurements and herb choices. “But I know I am not the H.R. of Earth Nineteen, I am not ton amour, but if I am to be part of this team, I suppose I must be there and present to support its members, yes?”

You managed a tiny smile as Sherloque continued to sip at his coffee, “and maybe if I am lucky, I can get you to try a hot cup of tea one of these days.”

You woke the following morning, bundled in a coat and scarf, your two cups of coffee in hand. You walked the pathway towards the plot where HR was laid to rest. You sat HR’s coffee on the edge of the headstone and settled yourself down, facing the smooth, black stone with the Mark Twain quote etched into the front.

“Hey HR,” you started, “I’ve missed you, you know. Can you believe it’s our two year anniversary? Soulmates are eternal, and you are mine and I will always be grateful for that.” You sipped at your coffee watching the steam come off of the still cup. “I hope that they have coffee in heaven, or wherever you are right now.”

“The new Wells? He calls himself Sherloque, a master detective wouldn’t you know. He is as dedicated to his tea as you are to your coffee and I just can’t help but think of you whenever I see him. He even has a hat like yours. He will never be you though, I don’t think anyone else in any earth will ever truly be like you, HR. You are the most unique person I have ever met and I have met a lot of different people since I came to Central City. Needless to say, whether I ever find someone to love again, no one will ever be like you. Don’t worry though, HR, no one yet. Probably not for a while, not until I can get through a day without considering summoning you from the dead somehow.”

You continued to talk to HR as the hours passed. By the time you felt like you had said all you needed to, the air began to cool. You shivered, your coffee long gone and your pants damp from sitting on the ground. You stood, your legs stiff from sitting down so long. A stretch and an extra cube of sugar in HR’s now ice cold coffee, you meandered back to your empty apartment, the smell of coffee seeming to follow you the whole way home.


End file.
